once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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