Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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