We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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