I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i think i just lost a toe
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
