Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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