Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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