I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just saw a hot homeless man
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Randomize
