I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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