there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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