She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
