I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
