What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
