As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
