For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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