I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
