I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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