this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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