The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
