i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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