If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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