If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
