I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
