The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
