Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
