seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
