Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
