put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
