There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I deserve this hangover.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
