I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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