bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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