I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
