Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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