The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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