Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
