Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
