yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
