I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
