Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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