I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
