they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
