Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
