Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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