Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
