My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
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I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
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HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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