So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
