Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ketchup is God's man juice
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
