Swine flu. Run for my life!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
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I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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