ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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