shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
