just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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