something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
