Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
please don't ironically join a cult
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