Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
