put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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