from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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