My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
