Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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