she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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