My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
