peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
