I'd wear matching sweaters with you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
