It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
