Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Semen is not good for contacts.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
